where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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