just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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