and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
