In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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