If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
