You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
