I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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