dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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