there's paper in my vomit.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize