How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
