The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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