My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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