I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just blew my weed a kiss
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
