By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When did angry sex become our thing?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
