I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
