Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
