3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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