im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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