I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
