i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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