we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize
