mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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