Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
