Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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