I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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