so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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