there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I still have a little drunk in my system
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
