Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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