its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We smell like vodka and hangover
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