I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
