I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
