Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
