was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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