drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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