All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
