don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
