did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
