The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
