Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
