He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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