i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
