Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
