does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize