I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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