I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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