Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
