she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
