wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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