i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
