Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
