these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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