how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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