the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
