So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
