Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
