saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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