I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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