Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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