you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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