Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
