I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
