How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
